Some lessons can only be learned the hard way, like bunk beds aren't a toy and tampons have
expiration dates. Trying to learn from your
friends' mistakes never really works because their pain is often well-deserved and hilarious.
Experience is the best teacher, even better than Michelle Pfeiffer in that ethnic film.
It’s natural to wonder about the real life applications of
high school classes, especially if you’re not the salutatorian or medicated. The truth is you’ll probably never use the periodic table or cosins later in life, but knowing how to be bossed around by
bitter people in chinos is a skill you’ll use on a daily basis.
High school should leave you with a diploma and a broken spirit - two main job requirements for anything in middle management.
Tomorrow's not a guarantee, so you have to take advantage of today like a
senile senior citizen. Who knows if you'll get another chance to call
your landlord a wang or to taunt your chef at Benihana, where he
can't spit in your chicken.
Life is short - just like the only men who ask you out.
TGIF is an incendiary phrase people throw around in order to create the
illusion that their home lives are more exciting than their work lives.
The abbreviation is used because spitting out "Thank God it's Friday"
takes away valuable time that could be spent discussing Benihana's happy
hour menu or your lack of AC.
TGIF! Now you can stop engaging in useless chatter with your co-workers and start engaging in it with your wife.
We can't all be Martha Stewart, but all of us can become Roseanne Barr.
Reaching your potential might take years of donkeywork and elbow
grease, but you're just a few short months of depression away from your
Keep chasing that dream because the nightmare is close on your keister.
Positive thinkers don't just choose happiness and follow their bliss, they also buy bumper stickers and whistle in the grocery store.
Positive thinkers live in a world of their own creation - one where you won't get
cankles unless you want cankles and where cancer is your fault.
The real power of positive thinking is the power of self-delusion, which is why dummies are so good at it.
Do something that scares you every day - like leaving the house without
putting on your eyebrows or soliciting sex with tall strangers. This is
especially important for the timids and shut ins who have to challenge
themselves lest they become afraid of getting the mail or flushing.
Just remember, adrenaline is like nature's cocaine and you don't have to take the bus to the rapey part of town to get it.
Those with drunk parents, court orders and/or acne know that most of life is actually out of your control. But this is good
news because it means you can stop trying so hard - spend most of the
day braless, reacquainting yourself with leisure.
You'll get what's coming to you, especially if what's coming to you is light depression and jowls.
It's normal to have mornings where you don't feel like grabbing the world by the junk - even Jake Gyllenhaal has days he doesn't feel like slaying it. On those days, fake it 'til you make it - just slap at the computer keys until 5pm and pretend you'd wear sweatpants even if they made jeans your size.
Making it 'til you fake it, on the other hand, is a common sexual practice popular in the Great Plains.
Good teachers aren't only found at non-commuter colleges and at the cleanest massage parlors - they're literally all around you. When the world is your classroom, everyone you meet is a teacher - from your dog who taught you being barren doesn't mean being dead to the Senegalese man who showed you that crying on public transportation can be beautiful.
This also means you can spend your tuition money on barbiturates.