Addictions are like matter in the universe - they're never destroyed,
just replaced by something else. Post lap band surgery, binge drinking
can replace your emotional eating and when your mortgage rates soar,
you can start huffing toilet bowl cleaner instead of expensive Dust Off.
Even marathon runners and body builders are trying to make up for some sort of porn addiction or homosexuality.
Unless your new boyfriend is already a friend or family member, it's
hard to trust that he is who he says he is, so you need to look out for
red flags. Aliases, storage units in other states, and a love of
children's programming are all signs that something might not be right.
Moustaches, ironic or not, are also a warning sign as most perverts have facial hair.
With today's technology, you don't have to wait for your annual
Christmas letter to let everyone know how awesome your life is.
Facebook status updates, tweets and Kodak photo mugs let you brag about
Tommy's superior IQ and your impressive baccarat payout under the guise
of keeping in touch.
It's easier to make your online 'friends' jealous because you never post photos of your pock marks or mention your husband's perversions.
Doing something 'ironically' means you can get away with being out of
fashion, nerdy and/or racist. People grow moustaches, drink Pabst Blue
Ribbon and collect Nazi sweatbands in an attempt to be ironic.
Being ironic doesn't make things funny, but it will get you attention. Just ask your favorite hipster.
You are always the one who's going to love yourself the most,
especially after an afternoon of romantic comedies and a long bath.
Others might try to love you, but they might get too busy with an
upcoming work presentation or get annoyed with your anorexia.
If you don't love yourself, there's little you can do besides pay for hookers.
Going into work is like going to a cocktail party in the morning,
except without the cocktails and cheese cubes and with more business
casual than funky fresh. Especially on Mondays, after a weekend of
'big plans,' you'll do more catching up before elevenses than in a
month of happy hours.
Your only hope is to close the office door, but if you're in a cube, no half walls will save you.
Getting a pap smear means trying to make small talk with your
gynecologist with your vagina in the way. It's a lot of pretending
that nothing humiliating is happening while discussing this economy,
which is why WASPs are better at it.
The good news is you only have to go once a year, unless you're dirty downstairs.
There's no need to think for yourself when other people are thinking
for you. Market research and study groups have determined what jeans
you should be wearing, which cereal you should be eating and what color
your boyfriend should be. That means less time decision
making, more time shopping.
When in doubt, just check in with others in your ethnic group and tax bracket.
Everyone has an opinion and everyone wants to be right, which is why
you can't believe anything anyone says. Most things that come out of
people's mouth are simply propaganda to get you to their way of
thinking, even Pastor Todd.
If you want the truth, just make up your own.
