Daily Fucking Thought

Judge Not

If you think your cleaning lady is judging you for being in your pajamas at 1pm, you're probably just judging yourself.  She's actually too busy dusting your Precious Moments and stealing from your quarter jar, because unlike yourself, she's proactive.

Judge not, especially if you're known to watch Judge Judy in a cloud of your own pollution.

You're Powerless

When your life feels like it's spinning out of control and your hands are tied, it is and they are.  Just concentrate on cloroxing the refrigerator and pickling the rhubarb harvest so you can berate your husband for being lazy while he watches the Olympics.

Just because you're powerless doesn't mean everyone else should be happy. 

Accepting the Inevitable

Don't hem and haw over the salad section when you always choose the patty melt and since you're going to end up looking like your dog anyway, don't choose a Mexican hairless.  Accepting the inevitable is less about being lazy and more about accepting the future - the future where you have little discipline, weak genetics and apathy reigns. 

Instead, save your energy for commenting on People.com and Zumba.

Your Authentic Self

Your authentic self is the person who lives inside your head and would rather be a masseur than a 'numbers guy' and who thinks all Russians are perverts.  Your authentic self is who you were created to be before societal pressures forced you to have impulse control and to curb your hooker mouth. 

The next time you encourage someone to be himself, just remember you're being pro-asshole.

Set the Tone

What you choose to do on a Friday night really sets the tone for the whole weekend, so try not to overindulge in cream based cocktails or pay your cabbie in nip slips.  There are plenty of healthy ways to blow off steam that won't leave you with TMJ or wasting your Saturday repenting to Pastor Todd.     

It's fine to "go big" every once in a while, but save it for book club or after jury duty when you have to drink away the stink.  

Insane Guys Finish First

Nice guys finish last because they're not insane - just ask Marvin Redenbacher, Orville's younger brother. Every company is essentially its own cult hungry for a leader, so the best way to get ahead is to stop worrying about little things like being on time and reality.

Appearing insane is also the best way to make it through your midnight bus commute unraped.

Chicken or the Egg

What comes first, the person who thinks he's funny or the dick who laughs at pube jokes? The guy driving with his shirt off or the gal who ironically whistles? The co-worker who sings her voicemail messages or the mothers who don't believe in shame-based parenting?

So not only is everything everywhere annoying, it's also partly your fault.

Class Acts

Just because you were born lake trash doesn't mean you can't grow up to be a class act.  It's less about clean bloodlines and buffed docksiders and more about table manners and and letting other people insult you without threatening to arson their carport. 

When in doubt, just do what the guy next to you is doing, especially if he has rich guy skin or is Colin Powell.

Mind Over Matter

Mind over matter is for more than bending spoons and making love to the unattractive.  It's also about lying to yourself so you can get through every day challenges - like when you're really nervous about a big presentation, just tell yourself you're amped and that diarrhea is fun. 

Mind over matter is also a great way for Tony Robbins to blame people for dying of cancer.

Learn from Kids

Adults can learn a lot from kids because kids know there's more to life than just sales quarters and cellulite solutions. It's okay not to have an understanding of basic concepts like gravity and littering as long as you're rollercoastering between hysteria and devastation, because somehow that shows a zest for life that paying the mortgage has taken away.

And perhaps most importantly - the dumber and less stable you seem, the more others will cater to you.